


What (Not) to Do If You Believe That a Knight Is Trying to Steal Your Man

by laughy_sapphy_writes



Category: Night at the Museum (Movies)
Genre: Fighting, Jealousy, M/M, Octavius has a Type, Post-Canon, Pre-Established Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25290286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughy_sapphy_writes/pseuds/laughy_sapphy_writes
Summary: Octavius has a clear interest in the knight, Lancelot, and this causes much distress for his boyfriend, Jedediah. From there, hijinks ensue.
Relationships: Jedediah/Octavius (Night at the Museum)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 60





	What (Not) to Do If You Believe That a Knight Is Trying to Steal Your Man

There had been a lot of changes in New York’s Museum of Natural History since Larry and his friends took their trip to London. Some of them were welcomed happily, like the introduction of the new triceratops skeleton and Ahkmenrah’s parents into the museum, while others were sadder, like Larry’s departure from the night guard position. Sure, Tilly was great, and she did her job well, but it was still disappointing for a lot of the exhibits to not be able to mess with Larry every night and drive him crazy. Besides, Tilly spent most of her time at the caveman exhibit, so it wasn’t like they saw her around a lot anyway. Other than the changing of the night guards, the most controversial change in the museum was the introduction of the knight, Lancelot.

Lancelot had taken a while to come to grips with the fact that he was, in fact, a mannequin, and not the actual medieval knight, and while the members of the Museum of Natural History were happy to help with his culture shock, they all agreed that he wasn’t always the easiest person to be around. Still, most of them were nice enough to look past his faults and be as good of friends as they could possibly be. Whenever there was a party taking place in the lobby, they made sure to invite Lancelot, lest he felt unwelcomed. He eventually redeemed himself to most of the exhibits by proving himself to be especially helpful and charming, which was greatly appreciated by his friends. Eventually, he became accepted into the zeitgeist of the rest of the museum and was liked by everyone he came across. The only person who continued to dislike him, however, was the tiny cowboy, Jedediah.

Jedediah and Octavius had been dating for quite some time now, which was a fact known by nearly everyone in the museum. The two were very outwardly affectionate with one another, which, while annoying to some, was mostly seen as very sweet. Despite the many years that the two had spent fighting and waging wars against each other, the two very rarely fought anymore and even more rarely had any reason to complain about the other. The two were practically inseparable as well, so if you saw one of them, there was a high chance that the other wouldn’t be far behind them. Sure, they would tease each other every once in a while, but it was all in good fun, and it didn’t really bother either of them. The only thing that could ever seem to disturb the balance of their relationship was Jedediah’s jealousy of the medieval knight himself, Lancelot.

Ever since Octavius first remarked upon the beauty of Lancelot’s blue eyes, Jedediah had utterly loathed the knight. Jedediah had convinced himself that his hatred stemmed from the fact that their first interaction was the knight was running off the tablet keeping him alive and was thus dooming the lives of him and his friends. However, after Lancelot had redeemed himself to the others and Jedediah’s hatred still remained, it was evident that the root of his dislike didn’t stem from the threat that he posed to his friends, but rather the idea that Jed’s beloved boyfriend could be infatuated with anyone but himself. That might’ve been a very petty reason to hate someone who seemed really harmless (other than that large sword that he carried around everywhere), but Jedediah was a cowboy, and where he came from, people were killed for much pettier reasons. If someone could be shot outside of a saloon just for looking at another guy funny, then this haughty knight of the round table could be taught a lesson for giving another man’s boyfriend unwelcome ideas.

. . . .

The cowboy and his boyfriend were spending one of their nights in the museum as they usually did, with drives in their snazzy, plastic car that Larry had bought for them many moons ago, and greetings to the friends that they passed on their ride. After a while, they would tire of driving around, and they would make their way to the desk in the lobby, climb up the tiny ladder that had been left for them by Tilly, and talk about whatever was on their minds. Every once in a while, Tilly would accidentally leave behind a half-empty bag of chips next to her laptop, so the two historical figurines would pull out a chip from the bag and split it. Usually, their talks would be about a moment from their past that they were feeling nostalgic about, but other times it would be about a fun idea that they had had while the two were waking up or driving around. Unfortunately, Octavius seemed to have a different discussion topic in mind that night.

“Do you think that Lancelot recently shined his armor?” he asked, staring intently at the knight from across the room.

“What’re you askin’ me for, Octy? I don’t rightly care what that dimwit does with his time, as long as it doesn’t involve me,” Jedediah said, crossing his arms and pouting.

“Oh, but don’t you think its glimmer is more pronounced on his chest plate than it usually is?” Octavius continued to ask, seemingly unaware of his boyfriend’s complaints.

“Listen, I don’t wanna know why you were lookin’ at that fella’s chest, but whatever reason it was, I want you to cut it out!” Jedediah hissed, looking angrily towards Octavius.

“You know, I think I should ask him about his polishing technique directly. After all, my own metal gear is starting to look rather dull,” the Roman said as he stood up and started to call for the knight’s attention. Lancelot, who had been seemingly trying to learn how to use a water fountain on the other side of the room, noticed the tiny general’s call of attention and walked over to the desk, much to Jedediah’s dismay.

“Good day, my minuscule brethren! Err, I suppose that it’s actually nighttime now, so it would be more appropriate for me to bid you a good night! Whatever the correct greeting may be, might I venture to ask why you have requested my presence?” Lancelot asked. It was evident that he was still very unfamiliar with modern speech patterns, which Octavius found charming, but Jedediah found extremely irritating.

“I just wanted to ask you how you get your armor so shiny. Is there a specific burnish that you use, or some type of polishing procedure that I’m unaware of?” Octavius asked the tall, handsome knight before him.

“Well, back in my time, my faithful squire had the responsibility of shining my armor, for my time would be already filled with my knightly tasks. In present times, my armor is taken care of by an expert on the museum’s staff. So, to answer your question, my diminutive friend, I know not how my armor receives its excellent gleam, but I do greatly appreciate your attention to my design,” Lancelot articulately responded, and with that, he bowed to the two figurines and made his way back to the water fountain. Octavius sighed and clutched his hands to his chest as the knight walked away.

“Isn’t he such a helpful gentleman?” he asked, watching as Lancelot unsheathed his sword and proceeded to repeatedly smack the fountain with it.

“Helpful? He didn’t even give you a straight answer!” Jedediah shot back in return. His response seemed to fall on deaf ears, though, for Octavius didn’t even acknowledge what his boyfriend had said. 

Jedediah had never wanted to kill someone more in his entire life.

. . . .

The next few days went by normally for Jedediah and Octavius. They drove around the museum, made conversation with their friends, and they even went to the observatory exhibit once or twice to look at the stars. Things truly would have been perfect for Jed if Octavius could stop talking about that dang knight. Really, would it have too much to ask for just one night where he didn’t have to hear about Lancelot’s blue eyes or flowing hair? Heck, Jedediah had blue eyes and flowing hair, and he never got compliments from Octavius about them. Well, actually, he got compliments about them nightly, usually followed by kisses on the cheek, but that wasn’t the point! The cowboy was truly sick of hearing about the same British snob with a sword every night, and he intended to do something about it.

Jedediah woke up one night in his usual gun-slinging position in the old west diorama and made his way over the ancient Rome diorama to meet up with his boyfriend. Surprisingly, though, Octavius wasn’t in his regular place, or any place in the diorama for that matter. Jed asked some of the other Romans in the diorama where he had gone, and they told him that he had been escorted out of the room by a suave-looking man in silver armor, which promptly sent the cowboy an angry frenzy. He made his way off of the diorama, rushed into his plastic vehicle, stepped on the gas, and made a beeline to the museum’s lobby, where he was sure he would find the two that he was looking for. Sure enough, at the desk, there sat Jed’s beloved, and in front of the Roman stood Lancelot. Filled with fury, Jed hit the brakes, hopped out of the car, slammed the car’s door, and stalked his way to the two at the desk. Both looked surprised at Jed’s apparent contentment for the scene in front of him.

“What in tarnation do you two think you’re doing?” Jedediah shouted, making his voice heard from so low on the ground.

“Whatever do you mean, my small companion? I was only making conversation with your lover about different sword-fighting methods,” Lancelot replied innocently, unaware of the fault in his actions.

“Don’t play coy with me, partner. Don’t you think I can recognize when my own own boyfriend is goin’ behind my back and making kissy faces with someone else?” Jedediah hollered, barely coherently.

“My love, please, Lancelot is telling the truth. Don’t you realize that I would never do anything to hurt you?” Octavius insisted, trying to defuse the intensity of the situation.

“No, no, I won’t let you two go behind my back any longer. If beatin’ this prissy piece of metal is what it’ll take to win you back, darlin’, then I’m ready to bring him down!” Jed said to Octavius, even though he was staring directly at Lancelot.

“Pardon me, tiny gentleman, are you inquiring that the two of us should duel? I’m sorry if this comes off as rude, but are you aware that I could crush you between my fingertips? After all, I greatly outnumber you in size many times over,” the knight replied, coming off as condescending even though he wasn’t trying to.

“Lancelot, please, you’re only making him want to fight you more by telling him the odds,” Octavius murmured while rolling his eyes, knowing what was coming next.

“You’re darn right that I am!” served as Jedediah’s battle cry, for right after he said it, he pulled out his dual pistols from his hips and began charging towards the knight. Lancelot looked down in surprise as if he hadn’t expected that the cowboy would actually go through with his threat. He was shot twice in the ankle with miniature bullets (which briefly stung, but left no lasting damage), and after Jed had decided to climb inside the knight’s armor, he was bitten repeatedly (which tickled him more than it did hurt him). As the western figurine attempted to inflict more harm onto his opponent, Lancelot’s shock wore off, and he became more and more amused with the situation. He knocked on his chest plate a couple of times, and the vibrations knocked the small cowboy out of his armor and back onto the ground, where he groaned in pain. The medieval knight smirked and drew his sword out from his scabbard before using it to gently poke Jedediah in his ribs.

“It seems as though this battle will be as short as your height is, my good fellow,” Lancelot taunted. His opponent began to furiously thrash on the ground as he tried to regain his stance, while the roman emperor anxiously watched the fight from atop the lobby’s desk. As much as Octavius believed that Jed was being unreasonable, he still hated watching his true love put his life in danger. It was true that he had seen Jed start fights for pettier reasons (they had been in a war at that museum for half a century, after all, and they had to justify their needless violence somehow), but he had never seen his boyfriend try to fight someone in the name of their love before. It would’ve been romantic if it wasn’t incredibly dangerous and stupid.

Jedediah began to kick and slap at the sword posed in front of him, hoping that his force would be able to push away the weapon. This, unsurprisingly, wasn’t the case, and the sword stayed firmly in place. Lancelot smirked at the cowboy’s futile attempts and looked at his roman friend, expecting to find equal amounts of amusement. Octavius, however, looked increasingly more uncomfortable with the belittlement of his partner, and he began to plea with the knight to stop messing with his competitor. Lancelot couldn’t comprehend what he was doing wrong, though, so he continued to use his sword to pin the tiny cowboy to the ground, who was still flailing wildly.

“You ain’t playin’ fairly, man! Stop holdin’ me down with that fancy stick of yours and fight me like a real man!” Jed yelled.

“Oh, well, if you insist,” Lancelot responded casually. He pulled back his sword, and after his adversary had finally stood up, he swung the sword once in a careless motion. The sword met Jedediah’s tiny left wrist, and his hand flew to the other side of the room. Even though he was a plastic minifigure and there was no blood in sight, he still clutched his stub of a wrist and began to yell in panic. Octavius screamed at the sight of his boyfriend’s missing limb. Lancelot took a second to process what had happened, then quickly sheathed his sword and ran out of the room.

….

“What on Earth were you thinking?” Octavius angrily asked his boyfriend as he tended to his wounds. The two figurines were back in the western diorama, where Octavius was attempting to reattach Jedediah’s hand to his body by using some Krazy Glue that they stole from Tilly’s desk. The rest of the westerners from the diorama had decided to give the boyfriends their privacy, so they either left to go elsewhere in the museum or retreated to the itty-bitty saloon for fun and drinks. This left the couple on their own, sitting in a patch of fake desert grass, arguing about the merits of the duel that had just occurred in the museum’s lobby.

“I don’t know, Octy, I guess I just didn’t like seein’ the person I love more than anythin’ out and around, flirtin’ with some snobby British fella,” Jedediah responded bitterly. He really didn’t want to have this conversation, but it seemed like this was the only way he was getting his hand back. Octavius stomped on the back of the Krazy Glue tube, causing a pool of glue to come out of the front. He scooped up some of the glue and applied it to the end of his boyfriend’s detached hand.

“Flirting? We were just having a conversation about sparring techniques!” he countered, slapping glue on his partner’s stump of a wrist.

“Why couldn’t you have told me that before you let me make a fool of myself?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that I had to notify you whenever I decided to so much as talk with someone else. Dear me, what would’ve happened if you weren’t there to save me from the terrors of general discussions!”

“Hey, I’m fine with you talkin’ to other people, darlin’, but I’m not okay with you goin’ out and gettin’ giggly with guys that you’ve spent the last month swoonin’ over and callin’ dreamy!”

“So, I can’t speak with someone whom I compliment every once in a while?”

“No! I mean, sure, but… I don’t know, it’d be nice if… if maybe you would… gah!” Jedediah fell over in a frustrated heap, wishing that there wasn’t glue on his wrist so that he could cross his arms. While both of them were equally matched when it came to skills involving physical combat, Octavius had always been better in winning verbal disagreements. The two sat in silence for a bit while Jedediah stewed in exasperation before Octavius sighed and placed his non-sticky hand on his companion’s cleaved arm.

“My love, I’m sorry for any distress that I’ve caused you. I never wanted you to feel like I cared for someone more than I care for you. I can understand why you assumed my comments about Lancelot’s looks and manners came from a place of romantic attraction, but believe me when I say that the only admiration I hold for him is purely platonic, and nothing more,” Octavius told the brooding westerner before him with complete sincerity. Jedediah looked up as Octavius spoke, and once he was done, he pushed himself back up to a sitting position. He exhaled deeply and darted his eyes away from the person of his affections, afraid that he would become a mess of tears, hugs, and kisses otherwise.

“Listen, darlin’, you don’t have to be sorry for anythin’. I was way out of line in assumin’ that you were cheatin’ on me. You’ve never done anythin’ to hurt me since we’ve started datin’, and I should’ve realized that you weren’t about to start now. I just… I was just afraid of you lovin’ someone more than me, I suppose. You’re my whole world, Octy, and I didn’t want to imagine a future where you wouldn’t be there for me when I needed you,” Jed apologized, trying to hide his furiously blushing cheeks beneath his hat. This didn’t work, because Octavius, in response, used the tips of his non-sticky hand to tip up Jed’s chin until their eyes met. He smiled softly as he stared into the deep, blue eyes of the man he had chosen to love. As pretty as Lancelot’s eyes were, nothing could beat the beauty in front of him.

“Jedediah, my love, my heart, my everything, as long as I live, and long after that, know that I will never love anyone as much as I love you,” Octavius told Jedediah before moving his hand from the cowboy’s chin to his left forearm and holding it up so that he could use his other hand to carefully reattach Jed’s disembodied hand to its original position.

Once the misplaced hand found its place back where it belonged, its owner stiffly moved his fingers as he regained the connection to it that he had missed for the past hour or so. He grinned as the movement of the fingers became looser and easier to control. He looked over at the love of his life with excitement and the mobility of his reattached limb, and the Roman returned his look by chuckling over the inherent cuteness of his partner. The two of them leaned over and pressed their foreheads together, feeling very content and happy to be in each other’s presence. Jed looked back down at his superglued hand before using to cup Octavius’s cheek and hold it as tenderly as he could. Then, the two leaned further into each other as their lips met and pressed against each other.

At that moment, Jedediah knew that Octavius would always be his.

**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea of writing this fic when I first saw the third movie, but I didn’t remember to write it until I was randomly scrolling through Dan Stevens’s IMDB page one day and I was like “Oh yeah, he was Lancelot in the third Night at the Museum movie”, and then I blacked out and this happened.


End file.
